Ok, Guys… so I know the title of this page is “i want your kidney”, but in all seriousness, I need a kidney. I would like to think that I am a fairly strong individual, mentally..emotionally..what have you.. but nothing in life can prepare you for this. I’m going to get real with you, folks. So I hope you’ll indulge me and keep reading. There is nothing in life that can prepare you for how to ask your friends, family or complete strangers to undergo a surgical procedure and give you a piece of their body just so that you can stay alive. There is nothing on earth that can prepare you for the realization that if someone doesn’t voluntarily give one to you, that you find yourself hoping for a donor from the list. I’m going to put a pin in this to come back to in a later post, because I don’t think that most people realize the confusing ball of emotion that comes from hoping that someone else’s worst day would be your best. There is nothing in the universe that can prepare you for knowing that you require the use of a machine to filter your blood or your body will poison itself to death because it can’t filter out all of the bad stuff.
I usually get through most difficult situations in life with a hefty dose of sarcasm and humor. Most of the time, doctors and nurses say something like “you are not what I was expecting to see after I read your chart”. This illness is invisible. You can’t see it. You can’t hear it. You can’t even touch it. But I promise you, it can be felt. It can be felt in my inability to fall asleep every night. In my daily episodes of what I call “kidney brain”. It can be felt in my inability to perform my job, which I love, and my inability to get out of bed some days. It can be felt in knowing that I used to go to the gym twice a week along with 2-3 cardio classes and now I can barely walk through the grocery store. Those who know me and see me regularly probably notice I look tired, have bags under my eyes and my color is pallid, but if you don’t know me, I just look like a regular 39 year old woman.
I hope you will continue to follow my story and consider donating. At the very least, I urge you to treat everyone with kindness. Just because they look OK on the outside, doesn’t mean they are OK on the inside.